


Find the mistake

by mforpaul



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barisi Summer Fanworks Exchange 2020, Character Development, Established Relationship, Feels, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:27:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25536571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mforpaul/pseuds/mforpaul
Summary: Rafael has grown throughout his relationship with Sonny.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 50
Collections: Barisi Summer Exchange 2020





	Find the mistake

**Author's Note:**

  * For [childofbarisi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/childofbarisi/gifts).



> Barisi Nation, first and foremost thank you for this exchange. You're the best peeps in the world.
> 
> I haven't written in a long time and I'm glad this exchange gave me the opportunity to write again. 
> 
> I chose the prompt "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you" with possibly angst. What can I say? I'm a whore for this. My heart bleeds in joy. 
> 
> So I truly need to thank childofbarisi for this wonderful prompt. I hope you enjoy your gift! 
> 
> Thanks to Melanie for beta reading. You've been a big help!

Sonny has long abstained from wearing underwear while he prepares breakfast.

Not that Rafael minds that Sonny has gotten rid of the needless burden that the cheap fabrics (something Rafael has yet to change) of Sonny's boxers provide. The man sleeps naked, why shouldn't he maintain the same manner when he fries pancakes?

The first times they slept together, Sonny had been careful to put on some underwear before he clandestinely slipped into the kitchen to work with what Rafael's modest kitchen has to offer. If Sonny was feeling embarrassed back then about being naked the morning after, Rafael doesn't know. Sleeping with his colleague of so many years, not to mention one he used to have a crush on for as long as he knew him, is something Sonny needed time to get used to.

Although a tender blush on his cheeks gave evidence of a certain bashfulness, Sonny surely felt brazen enough to prepare breakfast at all, considering he wasn't asked to do so. But being a gentleman, insisting on breakfast together the morning after, is something Sonny would never abstain from.

And Sonny has made it a habit.

The breakfast routine and the staying the night.

Still, no matter how much Rafael likes the view of Sonny's pale back and well-shaped ass - Rafael thinks that Sonny's marble skin looks too vulnerable to be exposed so recklessly to the splashing oil in the pan and the fire that the gas stove provides from underneath. It's a dilemma. Rafael likes the view. But he doesn't like the idea of burn marks on Sonny’s chest either.

One way or the other, there's no point in arguing with Sonny which doesn't change the fact that Rafael frequently does.

Rafael lets out a small sigh.

He gently leans against the doorframe. For some reason, Rafael still, after so many months together, feels like he should be quiet because he doesn't want to be caught watching.

Watching the scene of his boyfriend preparing breakfast in his kitchen.

Sonny hasn't realized yet that Rafael is there. So Rafael can take in the view of familiarity. The movement of Sonny's long arms, reaching into the drawer, shoving the pan (pancakes or grilled cheese sandwich with tomato are his usual breakfast preference and Rafael wasn't surprised that Sonny makes no choice in preferring sweet or salty). Sonny knows exactly where to find what in the small room, much better than Rafael ever did.

Sonny fits into this kitchen and Rafael has known that from the beginning. Sonny is not hard to look at and the fact that he can never shut his mouth to endlessly talk back, is an additional delight Rafael couldn't resist. What had scared Rafael even before it started was that even more than having Sonny in his bed, Rafael wanted to have him there in his kitchen. Preparing breakfast after he had spent the night.

And since that very first night Rafael has made it a habit to stand there in the doorframe and watch.

Watch in order to search for what is wrong. It's like one of the puzzles in abuelita's magazines.

 _Find the mistake_.

He knows Sonny likes to catch him watching and this is something that brings a blush onto Rafael's cheeks. A blush that lacks the tenderness of Sonny's which is why Rafael thinks it doesn't suit him. Quite frankly, it embarasses him and this is not a look he likes on himself.

Truth is, Rafael has simply never resisted.

Even though their relationship was complex and complicated from the beginning, it started out that easy. They had sex and Rafael had not resisted when Sonny didn't leave. And Sonny had made it easy for him. He didn't ask if he could stay, so Rafael didn't need to make him go.

As Sonny didn't ask the first time, there was no point in asking the second time around or the third… until Rafael finally found the courage to tell him to leave a change of clothes at his apartment. The hassle of going back home before Sonny's shift was really unnecessary and as he started to leave some of his belongings in Rafael's apartment anyway, it was only logical for Rafael to clean out a drawer for him.

It truly was like a chain reaction. One thing led to another.

Rafael has been a fool. He's been a fool from the beginning. And that is the reason why Rafael has actually committed to this relationship. He didn't want to be this kind of fool. The fool who was in love but at the same time too much of a coward to do anything about it.

Because there was not much denying his feelings for Sonny. Rafael didn't waste any time on trying to make him lie to himself about that.

Yet again, not letting go and fighting for it are not two sides of the same coin.

Not letting go is easy. In fact, it came natural to Rafael. He wanted that pretty, blond, blue eyed detective who was ten years younger than him. It was a physical desire that was easy to give in to. Besides the picture that Sonny's good looks paint, Rafael has always had a very soft spot for him in his heart. Rafael was fascinated from the beginning about how Sonny’s sharp mind coincided with such a kind heart. The fights they had were far more than bickering, they were sparkling, refreshing and full of wit. Rafael cannot think of anyone in his life who has excited him that much. And holding onto this feeling is something that Rafael does with an iron grip.

But fighting for it. This is where Rafael started to get afraid and still is. Fighting for this relationship means something more. Of course, Rafael knows about fighting. In his job, he fights everyday. With passion. And this is how he knows how much it hurts when your heart is in it.

Because this is what Rafael fears. To screw this up. Still.

There are challenges enough. Endless challenges, so it seems and Rafael used to have no idea how to handle any one of them. Especially because he saw them all connected to Sonny, the one person he wants to ultimately protect in this relationship, and Rafael couldn't explain to himself what he was doing in the middle of it.

There was religion, family, a career and not to forget Rafael himself. Sonny was not willing to turn his back on either one of those things. And even though Sonny’s idea of having it his way or nothing at all made Rafael love him a little more, he started to see this mentality as the suicide it is.

Anyway.

Sonny still has his job and so does Rafael. The cases they work on just don't happen to coincide anymore.

Rafael has met the whole Carisi clan and they have turned out to be the stubborn yet kind-hearted people Sonny is an offspring from.

And Sonny still leaves Rafael's bed too early on Sunday mornings so as not to miss Mass.

The past year has been full of challenges they have managed more or less well. A lot of these challenges had been about sacrifices and agreeing to changes. And again, Rafael has not allowed himself to be the fool who wasn't able to do that.

Which leaves him to the final struggle. Himself. His own stubborn self that thinks he is losing something of himself when he is not able to resist when Sonny looks at him in a certain way.

Maybe this is the real struggle.

The fight Rafael is still having.

So, find the mistake.

Rafael genuinely doesn't know how they got here. But they did. And instead of looking at this beautiful scenery of domesticity (an artistic feast for a poet or a painter) and searching for what's wrong, Rafael should be happy. And he is. He just wishes he wouldn't search for the mistake.

Sonny, as well, tiptoes around Rafael's quirks. Of course, Sonny is clever. His intelligence covers more than what's in a law book or what police detectives learn on the streets. Sonny comprehends emotions. It was like he knew from the beginning that Rafael was in a constant battle with himself. For some reason thinking that the things that do him the most good are the ones he should avoid.

So as easy as it came to Rafael to let Sonny in, it was just as easy to keep him at arm's length. And of course, the latter is what Rafael is still trying to do sometimes.

Sonny doesn't talk about Rafael's issues. It's not like they never talked about it, but it's usually something that comes up in fights and not on an everyday level. For example, Sonny didn't burst into joy when Rafael made space for his suits in his holy closet but he did point out how long it took for Rafael to finally schedule to have him meet his mother.

Rafael swallows a bigger sigh.

He genuinely doesn't know how they got here but they did.

Sonny thinks that Rafael doesn't know that Sonny knows that today is an anniversary.

That's another one of Sonny's avoidance strategies. For better or for worse, Rafael is thankful for that. Because the intimacy does come natural to Rafael. He just needs time to get comfortable to allow himself to be that kind of fool. And Sonny constantly turning a blind eye on Rafael's commitment issues, as childish as it seems, it does help.

Rafael's plan was to avoid the anniversary. He knows that Sonny would leave nothing out. Flowers, candle light dinner, the best Tuscan Chianti the nearest supermarket has to offer and of course, great romantic sex.

Not that Rafael doesn't like to be wooed, but these aren't things that come natural to him.

But here Rafael stands watching the breakfast scene and while he still doesn't find the mistake he's looking for, his heart suddenly wishes to do something.

His abuela comes to his mind. She would have liked Sonny. After she died Rafael had spent a small fortune on a couple of hours of therapy. The therapist had asked him if Rafael has a wish. Like if there'd be a genie popping up in front of him and offered him a wish. What would that be? What is something he wants to happen in his life? A treat?

Surprising to himself, the first idea that had popped into Rafael's head was a date. A good date. A date that was more about the conversation than about what is supposed to come after. In a restaurant with good food and a great view that competes with the beauty of the person opposite him. Crystal blue water by the seaside came to his mind.

Just something without duty and expectations.

Something simple and therefore perfect.

Rafael clears his throat.

Piercing blue eyes immediately find him and rosy lips crack into a smile shortly after.

"It's Saturday. I'm disappointed you're up already."

Rafael walks towards Sonny and returns the smile.

Which one of them looks more goofy is probably impossible to decide.

"You can take Monday off, right? I wanna go to the beach."

"What?" Sonny raises an eyebrow and places a kiss on Rafael's forehead.

"I'm thinking Long Island."

"It's July."

"I know a nice place there where we could have dinner tonight."

"But it's July."

"Sonny…" Rafael sighs. For being a detective, his boyfriend is sometimes extremely slow at picking up clues when he wants him to.

"It's gonna be crowded and you hate that plus the sun is gonna turn me into a lobster and you'll hate that even more."

Thank god that man makes this accent sound sexy or else Rafael wouldn't know how to live with it.

"I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you."

"Rafi." Sonny's voice is only a huff. "Where is this coming from?"

"I just want to do something nice on our anniversary."

Rafael smiles. It's one of these stupid moments where his silly heart can't stop pounding.

"I love you, too."

Rafael tiptoes to kiss him.

"Good, now hurry up with the breakfast." Sonny turns towards him when Rafael slaps him on the ass. "I'm checking out hotels."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. This story is very me, Rafael rambling a little pointlessly and I know it resembles my fic <https://archiveofourown.org/works/16783558> . But again, I'm a whore.


End file.
